Episode 608: Rachael Leigh Cook transcript
Prologue: Guest Star's dressing room/The theme song intro Scooter: On Door 5 Times "(Guest Star's Name), oh, (Guest Star's Name), 17 2nds 'til curtain, Miss (Guest Star's Last Name) Guest Star: "Thanks, Scooter, I'll be ready in a jiffy." Scooter: "So what's been going on lately?" Guest Star: "Nothing much, really." Cut to Kermit appearing through The Muppet Show logo....... Kermit: "It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Miss Rachael Leigh Cook, yaaaaaaaay!" [The Muppet Show Theme Music Playing In Background] Plays Notes On Piano Female Muppet characters: It's time to play the music, it's time to light the lights, it's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight Male Muppet characters: it's time to put on make up, it's time to dress up right, it's time to raise the curtain on The Muppet Show tonight Waldorf: why do we always come here? Statler: I guess we'll never know Waldorf: it's like some kind of torture Statler: to have to watch the show Continues Playing In Background Kermit: and now let's get things started Miss Piggy: why don't you get things started? Kermit and Muppet friends: it's time to get things started on the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational, this is what we call The Muppet Show...... Of Helicopter Hovering Scene 1: Onstage/The introduction Kermit: "Thank you, everybody, and welcome again to The Muppet Show, tonight's special guest star is Miss (Guest Star's name), but 1st, it's time for an opening musical number." Dr. Teeth: "Hey, Kermit, just for you to know, 1 of my band members' drummer, Animal has gone missin'." Kermit: "Oh, I'm terribly sorry to hear that, Dr. Teeth, but don't worry about it, he'll turn up pretty soon." Dr. Teeth: "Oh good." Kermit: "So anyway, here's Rowlf with the opening musical number." Opening Musical #: What A Wonderful World Rowlf: Music On Piano I see trees of green, red roses too I see them bloom for me and you and I think to myself what a wonderful world Rowlf (continued): I see skies of blue and clouds of white the bright blessed the day, the dark sacred night and I think to myself what a wonderful world Rowlf: the colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky are also on the faces of people goin' by I see friends shakin' hands sayin' how do you do they're really sayin' "I love you" Rowlf (continued): I hear babies cry, I watch them grow 'they'll learn much more than I'll ever know'' and I think to myself what a wonderful world yes, I think to myself what a wonderful world. Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony........ Waldorf: "Hey, you know what a wonderful world could be?" Statler: "What's that?" Waldorf: "To take a vacation trip." Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage..... Kermit: "Now let's see, oh, here it is." Kermit: "Bear On Patrol is next, Bear On Patrol is next onstage, everybody!" ''Bear On Patrol'' sketch #: Mud Balls on Display Windows Announcer: "And now, ridding the world of evil, here's Bear On Patrol." Patrol Bear/Fozzie: "Alright, come this way, here you go, nice and easy." Officer Hogthrob/Link Hogthrob: "Now what seems to be the trouble, Patrol Bear?" Patrol Bear/Fozzie: "This man has been throwing mud balls at display windows." Walter: "But I wasn't throwing any mud balls, I was just doing a shopping spree." Officer Hogthrob/Link Hogthrob: "Very well then, bring him closer to me." Patrol Bear/Fozzie: "Yes, Officer Hogthrob, sir." Walter is brought closer to Officer Hogthrob/Link Hogthrob. Officer Hogthrob/Link Hogthrob: "Tell me your name." Walter: "Walter, kind sir, and I'm innocent, I would never do anything wrong." Officer Hogthrob/Link Hogthrob: "I better check the guilty and innocent list." Officer Hogthrob/Link Hogthrob scans through the guilty list, but Walter's name is not on it. Officer Hogthrob/Link Hogthrob: "Well, Walter, you're absolutely right, you're innocent after all, in that case, you're free to go, release him, Patrol Bear." Patrol Bear/Fozzie: "No problem." Walter is now free at last...... Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again......... Statler: "You know, I've always watched mystery detective shows on television my entire life." Waldorf: "Which kind did you watch?" Statler: "Nothing you need to know about." Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Talk Spot Kermit: So, (Guest Star's 1st Name), what are some things you know about safety." Guest Star: "Well, Kermit, there's kitchen safety, internet safety, fire safety, medical safety and water safety." Kermit: "Oh yeah, those are all important things." Guest Star: "I agree with you here." ''At the Dance'' sketch # Kermit is dancing with Miss Piggy, Gonzo is dancing with Camilla while the others are dancing with their partners. Kermit: "That's it, back and forth, back and forth." Gonzo: "Keep it coming sweetie cakes, keep it coming." Everybody's still dancing with their partners........ Female Whatnot # 1: "So do you still have a bone to pick with me?" Rowlf: "Too late right now, I already buried it." The sketch is now ending......... Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony once again. Waldorf: "You know what, Statler? I sometimes wish I could dance like that." Statler: "What makes you say that?" Waldorf: "So that we can dance on outta here!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Once Again Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage once again........ Kermit: "Now let's see who's next onstage." Sam appears right in front of Kermit at his desk. Sam: "Kermit, can I be next onstage, please?" Kermit: "Why sure, Sam, of course you're next onstage." Sam: "Wow, thanks a bunch." Sam goes right onstage........ ''Sam's Editorial Speech'': Personal space and breathing Sam: "Good evening, my fellow Americans, it is my duty to give my speech about personal space and breathing." Sam: "Now personal space and breathing is very'' important, we all need it, we all need arms way and not bump into other people, in the meantime, everybody needs plenty of room to breathe, that's all I'm saying, thank you, have a good evening." Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage once again....... Kermit: "''Pigs in Space is next, Pigs in Space is next onstage, everybody." ''Pigs in Space'' sketch #: Shrinkifier 700 Announcer: "And now it's time for Pigs in Spaaaaace, starring Captain Link Hogthrob, 1st Mate Piggy and the wise cracking genius, Dr. Strangepork, where we last left our heroes aboard the Swine Trek." Link Hogthrob: "Well, it sure is calm around here." 1st Mate Piggy/Miss Piggy: "And there's nothing going on in sight." Dr. Strangepork: "Except for my newest invention." Link Hogthrob: "What have you got this time, Dr. Strangepork?" Dr. Strangepork: "Behold, the Shrinkifier 700." Link Hogthrob: "And what '''''exactly does it do?" Dr. Strangepork: "Well, with the press of this green button, it can shrink just about anything it wants to shrink." Dr. Strangepork pushes the green button on the Shrinkifier 700 and it shrinks Link Hogthrob and 1st Mate Piggy by accident. Dr. Strangepork: "There, just like that." Tiny Link Hogthrob: "That wasn't supposed to work like that!" Tiny 1st Mate Piggy/Miss Piggy: "Now get us back to our normal sizes or you're history!" Dr. Strangepork: "Alright, I'll see what I can do." Dr. Strangepork pushes the green button on the Shrinkifier 700, which reverts Link Hogthrob and 1st Mate Piggy/Miss Piggy back to their normal sizes. Link Hogthrob: "Finally, back to normal." 1st Mate Piggy/Miss Piggy: "What a relief." Announcer: "Will 1st Mate Piggy ever regain her looks? does Captain Link Hogthrob know what he's doing? find out on the next exciting episode of Pigs in Spaaaaace." Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony once again............ Statler: "You know, Waldorf, something tells me that something might be shrinking." Waldorf: "What could be worse than that?" Statler: "A power shortage!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Once Again ''The Swedish Chef'' sketch #: Devilled Eggs with Paprika Swedish Chef: Yorn desh born, der ritt de gitt der gue, orn desh, dee born desh, de umn bork, bork, bork Swedish Chef: "Tuneeght, ve-a're-a mekeeng defeelled iggs veet pepreeka." Swedish Chef: "Furst, coot three-a herd bueeled iggs in sleeces." The Swedish Chef cuts the 3 hard boiled eggs in slices. Swedish Chef: "Next, scuup oooot zee suleed yulks und poot zeem in a gless bool." The Swedish Chef scoops out the solid yolks and puts them in the glass bowl. Swedish Chef: Next, poot sume-a moosterd und meyunneeese-a oon tup ooff zee suleed yulks." The Swedish Chef puts some mustard and mayonnaise on top of the solid yolks. Swedish Chef: "Next, chup up zee suleed yulks und mesh zeem up." The Swedish Chef chops up the solid yolks and mashes them up. Swedish Chef: "Next, poot zee meshed yulks in zee herd bueeled igg sleeces." The Swedish Chef puts the mashed yolks in the hard boiled egg slices. Swedish Chef: "Next, spreenkle-a a leettle-a beet ooff pepreeka oon zeem." The Swedish Chef sprinkles a little bit of paprika on the devilled eggs very carefully. Swedish Chef: "Und noo, ve-a meke-a streeeght leenes by useeng a spurk." The Swedish Chef makes straight lines on the devilled eggs by using a spork. Swedish Chef: Und zeere-a yuoo hefe-a it, defeelled iggs oon a pletter. The devilled eggs come to life and begin speaking to 1 another. Devilled Egg # 1: "Hey, why did the duck cross the road?" Devilled Egg # 2: "I don't know, why did the duck cross the road?" Devilled # 1: "Because the chicken took a vacation." Devilled Egg #s 3 and 4: Uncontrollably Swedish Chef: "Vhet zee hey?" Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the Balcony again........ Waldorf: "Wow, he sure is good at making those devilled eggs with paprika sprinkled on them." Statler: "Yeah right, 'til he begins to take them to a fancy bachelor party." Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage again........ Kermit: "Veterinarian's Hospital is next, ''Veterinarian's Hospital is next onstage, everybody." Veterinarian's Hospital sketch #: Floyd as the patient Announcer: "And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of a quack who's gone to the dogs." Dr. Bob/Rowlf: "And so I went to the city town library, and I found this neat interesting book, then when I began reading it, it had comic pages coming to life." Nurse Piggy/Miss Piggy: "Oh, Dr. Bob, you and your jokes." Nurse Janice/Janice: "So who's the patient, Dr. Bob?" Dr. Bob/Rowlf: "Behold, observe and watch." Dr. Bob/Rowlf pulls down the corner of the green quilt to reveal Floyd as the patient. Floyd: "Oh man, what just happened?" Nurse Janice/Janice: "Oh wow, what happened to you?" Floyd: "I was walkin' right along the path and some wild and crazy wolves came along and I got bit on the right shoulder when they attacked from behind." Dr. Bob/Rowlf: "Well, they can be very'' sneaky critters." Announcer: "Will Nurse Piggy ever live up her medical degrees? does Nurse Janice know what she's thinking? tune in next time when you hear Nurse Piggy say-" Nurse Piggy/Miss Piggy: "So, Dr. Bob, any '''ideas for this patient?" Dr. Bob: "Well, let's just say he had a real hard'' time." Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony once again.......... Waldorf: "You know, I once had terrible aches and pains myself lately." Statler: "Well? what did you take for that?" Waldorf: "'''Chill pills!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Once Again Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage once again........ Kermit: "Muppet Labs is next, Muppet Labs is next onstage, everybody!" Muppet Labs sketch #: Portable voice disguiser Ticking [Muppet Labs Theme Music In Background] Bunsen: "Dr. Bunsen Honeydew here, welcoming you again'' to ''Muppet Labs where the future is being made today." (Brief Pause) Bunsen: "That's right, we're testing out our latest invention: the Portable Voice Disguiser, now this can be used for disguising your voice from a much higher pitch to a lower pitch, which of course my faithful assistant, Beaker, will demonstrate for all of us, go ahead there, Beaker." Beaker: "Mee, mo, mee, mo." Beaker picks up the Portable Voice Disguiser...... Bunsen: "Now watch and see what happens if Beaker puts his voice in the Portable Voice Disguiser." Beaker pushes the red button on the Portable Voice Disguiser and puts it to the lower pitch. Beaker: Pitch "Mee, mo, mee, mo, mee, mo mee." Bunsen: "And there you have it, the most perfect voice pitches." Beaker: Pitch "Mee, mo, mee, mo, mee, mo mee." Beaker: Pitch "Mee, mo, mee, mo-" Beaker: And Wheezing A Bit Bunsen: "Oh my word, breathe, Beaker, breathe." Beaker: Lightly Bunsen: "Well that's all the time we have left for this evening, so join us next time at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today." Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again....... Waldorf: "Well, that young man sure got carried away with that voice disguiser, he completely lost his control of breathing." Statler: "What could've caused him to cough and wheeze like that?" Waldorf: "A ''dusty' invention!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Cut back to Kermit onstage again......... Kermit: "And now, ladies and gentlemen, good friends of all ages, it's time for the closing musical number." Closing Musical #: I Want it That Way Playing In Background Fozzie: '''''Yeaaaah Scooter: You are my fire '''''the 1 desire believe when I say I want it that way Bean: but we are 2 worlds apart can't reach to your heart when you say that I want it that way Gonzo: tell me why Fozzie, Scooter, Clifford and Bean: ain't nothin' but a heartache Scooter: tell me why Fozzie, Gonzo, Clifford and Bean ain't nothin' but a mistake Fozzie: tell me why I never wanna hear you say I want it that way Bean: am I your fire your 1 desire yes I know it's too late but I want it that way Fozzie, Gonzo, Scooter, Clifford and Bean: now I can see that we're fallen apart from the way that it used to be, yeah no matter the distance I want you to know that deep down inside of me Clifford: you are my fire the 1 desire you are you are, you are, you are Bean: don't wanna hear you say Fozzie, Gonzo, Scooter, Clifford and Bean: ain't nothin' but a heartache ain't nothin' but a mistake Bean: Don't wanna hear you say Clifford: I never wanna hear you say Fozzie, Gonzo, Scooter, Clifford and Bean: oh yeah Clifford: I want it that way Fozzie, Gonzo, Scooter, Clifford and Bean: tell me why Gonzo: ain't nothin' but a heartache Fozzie, Gonzo, Scooter, Clifford and Bean: tell me why Scooter: ain't nothin but a mistake Bean: tell me why I never wanna hear you say Fozzie, Gonzo, Scooter, Clifford and Bean: Don't wanna hear you say Fozzie: I want it that way....... Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony once more......... Waldorf: "You know, Statler, there's 1 thing I could say that's more relaxing." Statler: "Well? what's that?" Waldorf: "Music to my ears!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Scene 2: Back onstage/welcoming the Guest Star Kermit: "Thank you, everybody, for coming here tonight, the show's been so wonderful with all of you here, but right before we go, let's give a nice warm round of applause for Miss (Guest Star's Name), yaaaaay!" The Guest Star arrives onstage. Guest Star: "Thanks, you guys, it's been a good evening being on the show with all of you here." Gonzo: "We know, (Guest Star's 1st Name), you're very talented." Guest Star: "Why thanks, Gonzo, I appreciate it." Kermit: "We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show." End Production Credits Voice Performers Steve Whitmire Eric Jacobson Dave Goelz Bill Barretta Matt Vogel John Tartaglia David Rudman Peter Linz Tyler Bunch Cut back to Statler and Waldorf once more....... Waldorf: "So? what do you think? are you ready to call this a day off?" Statler: "Well, not that I know about." Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Once More Category:The Muppet Show season 6 transcripts Category:Transcripts Category:The Muppet Show transcripts